What started out as a regulation team meeting this morning turned into a Quadruple Eviction episode of Big Brother. I don’t think I can repeat what was said, but things were pretty tense after Coach had had his say. It didn’t help when team pyschologist Darren muttered “You are the weakest link. Goodbye,” as the four left the room.
After the announcement was made, phones and emails were running hot. I’ve never heard Dad so excited. I could tell he was jumping up and down, barely able to speak, with that stupid spaniel of his barking in the background. He must have been the only person in Australia who was reacting with such joy at the news that four of the squad have been stood down for the next test for “disciplinary” reasons.
“You must be playing, tell me you’re playing!”
“Dad, I won’t be playing.”
“Tell me you did your homework.”
“Dad, I did my homework, but I won’t be playing.”
I don’t think he was listening. But I do think it’s going to be very lonely in the dressing room while the team are in the field during the Third Test. Good grief, even The Prof has had to find his whites.
Top Eleven Best Excuses by Cricketers for not handing in their homework.
2. “Oh, I think I was absent when the homework was given out. I was certainly absent after I was given out. Twice. Cheaply.”
3. “The Team Physio ate my homework.”
4. “I was too busy doing charity work at an orphanage.”
5. “I emailed it to my iPad, copied it to my iPhone, and then faxed it to the hotel. Now I can’t find it.”
6. “Homework? I don’t remember getting any homework?”
7. “How many reviews have we got left? I’m calling on the DRS. Did this homework request actually pitch in line?”
8. “It didn’t come back from fiverr.com in time.”
9.”I left it in an auto-rickshaw after a social outing. It was a top night out, but!”
10. “I did the colouring-in section, but didn’t turn the page over and see there even was a written section”
11. “Things got desparate in the bathroom last night after I caught a dose of what Puff had last week. I had no option.”
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© Dave Cornford & Jeremy Pooley