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Ashes Diary of the 17th Man – Jul 2

Day 1 – Australia V Worcestershire

If there was one sound echoing around the ground today, it was the sound of a plan coming together.  Coach2.0 was looking smugger by the minute as Hollywood and Unlucky rattled off a classically constructed Tortoise and Hare opening stand of 170.  That’s not the innings total, so I’ll say it again – an OPENING STAND of 170!

Dust to Dust Mr Bean 1TThe Captain and Mr Bean settled in later on, but if Mr Bean is looking to secure a new spot in the batting order, running the Captain out is a strange way to go about it. Our beloved Leader mostly takes these things pretty well, but he was not a happy man as he returned to the dressing room. He was about to let fly when the first of his fleet of Back Carers whisked him away for his post-innings rub-down and aroma therapy.

The Prof reckoned Mr Bean did it on purpose, figuring the Captain will put him back up the order to reduce the chance of them having to bat together.  I pointed out that there was another way the Captain could go that would result in the two of them not having to bat together. “No longer a selector,” said Prof, tapping the side of his nose, and winking sagely.

As the game dragged on through the afternoon, with the weather closing in, we turned our attention to the form of our Hosts.  Total chaos was reigning at Essex, not just with the bowlers scoring runs and Puff’s Punching Bag taking 4 wickets. The Essex pie-throwers were dropping like nine-pins, with two relegated to the physio’s table, leaving them with an even weaker attack trying to give the Hosts some batting practice in the second dig.

The Powers that Be then dunked this match into a pond, declaring it to be a witch in the grand tradition of local “Witch Hunter General”  Matthew Hopkins (1620-1647), sending its first class status to the muddy bottom. Two other bowlers were roped in to give the attack some bite before it bacame so compelling that two of the Host’s top order retired, bored.  It was just as well TimB hadn’t yet had the tattoo done to mark his maiden First Class Century, especially as we hear the design he had in mind was a gothic “105 no” under the logo for “The Only Way Is Essex”.

Dust to Dust Wicky 1TWicky has been acting a little strangely today – I guess he did spent a fair bit of time padded up.  I’m not sure if he really wants to bat at 6 – Coach2.0 is too much of a traditionalist to contenance that – or if something else is eating him. Either way, he’s been out the back for more nervous Wicky-Leaks than a Pentagon file server.  I’ll keep an eye on him.

In news from back home, it would appear that Citizen Kane has his paperwork all sorted, and is now officially an Aussie.  Now all he needs to do is get a few wickets.

Aust 4/340.



Meet the Squad here

OUT NOWThe Ashes Files 2013. The secret applications file that Cricket Australia assembled when they threw applications open to all comers. Ebook available at amazon now. FREE UNTIL MIDNIGHT 3 JULY (US Time), 8 am 4 July (UK) and 5 pm 4 July (AEDST),

© 2013 Dave Cornford & Jeremy Pooley

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