Friday, December 13, 2019
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Second Test in Tweets


The Freak and I spent a lazy hour after breakfast on the 5th day that should have been working through the twitter shower since the big ups on Day 1.  He didn’t appreciate some of the subtle references to his stock bowling until he understood its high literary merit.

“This is where Shakespeare first trained” I said blankly.
“You‘ll acclimatise to it, ” The Prof offered. “Anyway, the pigeons usually cop most of the twatter.”
“So taking 20 wickets is not important?”
“Not when the other side declares a few hundred ahead on Day 3.”
“I see. I think I was out there every day”, he said rubbing his heel, hammy, hip and shoulder. “Where is Hollywood?”
The Prof replied “I believe he and a few of the bats have been at the nets with Coach2.0 since sunrise.”
“Good news though. He left his pads behind,” I said, selecting them from a pile underneath the breakfast table.
“The English have supplied new pads for everyone” someone said behind us.  We turned to see a delivery of shiny white pads in the hotel driveway.
“Are they hot spot friendly?”

Day 1

@Zaltzcricket: England win the toss and bat. England have won every Lord’s Ashes Test since 1934. Apart from all the ones between 1938 and 2005. #engvaus
@ AltCricket: Taken all of 32 balls for the first important DRS call. #Ashes
@ bowlologist: Wato is in remission and getting wickets cook lbw Eng 1/18. #goaussies #ashes
@AllOutCricket: Bell rolls out the ‘Mark Waugh’ again, unfurling an insultingly easy clip through mid wicket off a straight Patto bullet. England 48-3
@pavilionopinion: The Queen decides to walk. What an example she is… #Ashes
@Queen_UK: One’s pre-match motivational speech seems to have backfired. Fire up the Bentley. #ashes
@Altcricket: This English batting performance needs a royal pardon. #Ashes
@RichieBenaud_ England have won the toss and elected to collapse #Ashes
@RichieBenaud_  Anderson coming in as night watchman to protect Broad from the Alpha man aggression of Steve Smith seems appropriate #Ashes
@bettiwettiwoo: Capt Awesomepup brings on Twatson … who gets Capt LegoHair! Oh, the ambivalence! THE AMBIVALENCE! *Arrrgh.* 1-18
@altcricket: Taken all of 32 balls for the first important DRS call.
@Sports_Dimension: Still 4 tests of Sky biased coma inducing commentary, followed by 5 test matches of Healy, Slater and Nicholas. The end isn’t near
@damonkelly: @phillutton I can’t wait for the Clarke and Watto commentary pairing in about 10 years’ time
@_Wicheta_Lineman: Boycott blaming ICC, Third Ump, Standing Ump, David Cameron, Jonathan Ross, Capt Jack Sparrow & The Boston Strangler for Roots lbw.
@Sports_Dimension: @TestMatchSofa on one ear and Sky Comm on the other. Being serenaded on one ear and being bullshited on the other. Living on the edge.
@fwildecricket: Lunch at Lord’s…Warwickshire versus Australia: 52*/0. Rest of England versus Australia: 28/3
@MarkNicholasFad: @AltCricket Just listen to FIVE, with Me, Mark Nicholas. I’m English, but my head is so far up Australia’s ass.. it’s almost balanced
@PrincePhillipDoE: In an attempt to mitigate the effects of today’s heat one has decided to try “going commando” on advice of Prince Harry. #Liberating
@InterestingLit: William Makepeace Thackeray was born #OnThisDay in 1811. His novel Vanity Fair provides the first instance of the jocular word ‘stoopid’
@FakeHauritz: all the talk of the heat wave in England, fingers crossed that Lords isn’t consumed by a Catastrophic Code Red Bushfire
@NotPistolPaul: TROTT’s hard working 50 well received by the big home crowd and his fellow countrymen. A few English players clapped as well
@fwildecricket: I sense I’m not the only one who finds the sepia toned romanticism with regards to Lord’s skin-crawlingly annoying.
@TheCricketerMag: Quite brilliant suckling baby lamb impression from Bairstow as he attacks his drinks bottle. Thirsty work out there. 166-4
@msprn1t: Nathan Lyon wept RT @tickerscricket: “I haven’t had a bowl in the nets for about a week and a half.” Steve Smith

Day 2

@testmatchsofa: All I want is a dull, unfluctuating day of tedious inevitability. Is it too much to ask? At my age?

@god_busy: “@cricBC: Swann and Broad together at the creases. Suddenly, #Arses starts trending on twitter instead of #Ashes””

@SACricketGirl: Take a bow, Ryan James Harris! Five-fer! Onto the Lord’s Honours Board you go, jou baie lekker ding! 😀 #Ashes #ReturnTheUrn

@Cricketbatcat: I just spotted Bird! There’s a little nest in Harris’ hair. Top left corner.

@algernonradish:hi @barackobama I’ve spotted a proper criminal in the upper tier of the Edrich stand at lords in England, any chance of a drone?

@richiebenaud_: Lords. A place for intelligent, successful men to wear stupid looking ties and jackets and sit in 30 degree heat.

@NotBazMcCullum: Agar: “I don’t always bat at number 11, but when I do, I make 98” Watson: “I don’t always bat at number 1, but when I do, I make 9 or 8”

@Fake Hauritz: To be fair to Twatto, leg stumps are a relatively recent addition to the game.

@51allout: Things that are smaller than Watto’s front pad: The moon. The Beatles. Rik Waller. A Samit Patel/Mark Ealham picnic lunch

@FakeHauritz: Can’t Boof ask the umpires to just humour Twatto reviews but not have them count? “Oh, yes Shane. We sent it up. Honestly. Yep. Still out.”

@IngatestoneCC: I guess if Australians knew how to review guilty decisions they wouldn’t be living in Australia in the first place!

@TestMatchDan: “He was dropped at slip, but he deserves a bit of luck. Big shot! Oh he’s caught! What bad luck. Fantastic innings. He’s out for 14.”

@GuruSportSA: Looks like Aus is folding like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by an old guy who has sores on his face!

@UrgedRacketeer: @Corpse_in_Pads #AshesMovies Memoirs of an invisible top order #ashes

@RichieBenaud_: Just like Zoe Goss getting Lara, a girl has just got Clarke

@thecricketgeek: The righteous anger of cricket fans is a clean and renewable energy source that needs to be harnessed.

@ichymochek: The Australian batsmen should be shouting the bowlers breakfast, lunch, dinner & drinks this whole tour

@Corpse_in_Pads: It’s time we put a few Australian ‘ashes’ in that urn.” many of our so called batsmen are urning their spots to get there.

@alexmassie: And with a comedy run-out Australia are close to completing the Village Cricket set of dismissals.

@WillKerr: DRS comedy flow chart! This shows when to review the decision.Brilliant@ECB_cricket @SkyCricket @BumbleCricket @ashes

@Stickyjones1: @wwos9 @CricketAus took the wrong turn and entered the ground with a bag of wickets


Day 3

@MawaraTaj: legend says, when you can’t sleep at night, it’s because you’re awake in someone else’s dream. An English cricket nightmare

@loveatfirstslip: Just been informed Australia are 6/1 to win. Would rather put my money on the royal baby being called Mahendra Singh Windsor.

@FakeHauritz: Australia should review a forward defensive stroke. Just to see if they can make twitter explode.

@selvecricket: Watson and Harris bowling in tandem is like watching a couple of oak wardrobes trundling in.

@JackMendel4: Andrew Strauss about Root “..They just need to give him a bit of time to bed himself in I think”

@Cricket_Ali: Favourite line on Siddle from @selvecricket (10/11) “… running to shoulder charge a locked door only to find it opened at the last second”

@51allout: Ashton Agar is bowling. Sky’s engineers are tapping the revometer and asking ‘why is this bloody thing not working?

@Roy_Allen: @51allout I think that thing is like the Opportunity Knocks Clap-o-meter. Operated by a bloke with a stick.

@FakeHauritz: How long until Boof gets sick of chastising the Australians after each session and starts picking them off with a sniper rifle during them?

@TheCricketGeek: Shane Warne offering coaching tips about changing a bowlers action. The irony counter just went into the red zone.

@richiebenaud_: Pietersen in doubt for the 3rd Test due to injury. England’s batting will get even stronger.


Day 4

@BoredCricket: Ashton Agar: Holds out at 98, drops a catch at 0/98

@Andrew_Coxey: You know your battling when the work experience kid gets 180 against you

@loveatfirstslip: Australia can chase 583 in their sleep. Can’t be any worse than the reality

@robhewlitt: Shane Watson ruled out of 3rd Test with shin splints. Must get through a lot of pads! @InvestecCricket @ProD_Cricket #habituallegbefore

@FakeShaneWatson: I will not use DRS, I will not use DRS, I will not use DRS, I will not use DRS, I will not use DRS

@Lexi_Jane_B L ove B eing W atson

@51allout: Chris Rogers’ brain is still so busy trying to get itself around the concept of Watto not reviewing an LBW he’s missed a straight one

@GFoxyFowler: Watson would score more runs if he strapped his bat to his front leg.

@RichieBenaud: Rolling Stone magazine have offered Watson a job post cricket as a gig reporter, given how well he reviews

@AltCricket: Swann to Hughes so far: 10 runs, 63 balls, 1 wicket.” Unfortunately not looking much better for Phil this time around.

@thecricketgeek: Let Atherton play instead of KP, if one man deserves to play in a winning Ashes series it is him.

@timesofindia: No lessons learnt by authorities, dead scorpion, lizard found in midday meal in Odisha

@DECAshes: I’d start making plans to go and see your grandma or something this pm. Aus are 38-3, two for Swann. Clarke & Khawaja still standing

@Cutto1: Mark Waugh is there? WTF. Why hasn’t someone put a bat in his hand?

@reverseswept: If this was Joe Root v Aus, they’d be ten runs away from victory. #consolation #ReturnTheUrn #Ashes

@AresMarsFlack: We may have started the hashtag #ReturnTheUrn … but we didn’t say when. Smart thinking

@BlueSpur86: Eat shit England. We made it to lunch

@DanGinnane: Since start of last #Ashes, Australia has been: Worse than 3/40: 10 times; Worse than 3/50: 14; Worse than 3/100: 29; Better than 3/200: Once

@PeterDellaPenna: CA apologizes for “inappropriate tweet” but not for sending a God awful team to represent the country

@Not_Chappelli: Dear England, Now you know how we felt for 16 #ashes years. Love always, Australia.

@SpiceBoxofEarth: Mickey Arthur should be thanking CA instead of asking for compensation. At least he’ll have some sort of reputation come August

@Wutube: The disappearing #bullshit tweet by Cricket Australia lasted longer than some Australian batsmen have today

@BF_CJed: There’s a lot of crap written about Australian cricket. Suggestions we bring back Ponting Hussey and Katich are right up there

@FakeHauritz: We may well bring the runs needed for victory down to under half a thousand shortly. In your FACE, England!. Swann keeps bowling deliveries that end up in the hands of slip fielders. Harmisonesque. Embarrassing. England falling apart

@StarSportsIndia: Australia’s top 4 have scored 1 fifty in 15 innings between them this series. Will Khawaja make it 2 in 16?

@Sport_Dimension: Of all people, getting out to Root. Clarke should go and whip himself for repentance.

@DuaneReade: “Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.” ~Joseph Addison

@Sport_Dimension: If only Warner could have landed a proper punch. Maybe that’s why he was sent to Zimbabwe. They know a thing or 2 about punching

@DMainy: @cricketanalyst We’ve got Ian bell MBE. They’ve got Shane Watson LBW……

@sparksey43: @Not_Inverarity I don’t suppose we could rotate a few of our players through the England team for the 3rd Test could we? Just to even it up

@LawrenceBland:I try not to live up to expectation… I just do what I think I can do. ~Danica Patrick

@tickerscricket: By my calculation, we need another decade at least of England thrashing Australia before my Ashes experience is even close to even. Reply@tickerscricket You’re not old enough, then.

@piersmorgan: In affectionate remembrance of Australian cricket, which died at Lord’s this week. The #Ashes will be re-cremated and kept in England. RIP.

@selvecricket: With timing so crass it brings tears to the eyes, CA announces an expanded BBL hours after Aus Test humiliation


Day 5

@richiebenaud: Morning viewers and welcome to day 5 at Lords. News from the ground is that it is raining

@RichieBenaud_Updated ICC test bat rankings: M Clarke (5th), D Warner (38th), E Cowan (43rd), S Watson (44th), P Hughes (49th). Still no-one can make it to 50. England, Cook (7), Bell (=11), Trott (=11),Pietersen (16), Prior (17), Root (26), Bairstow (53), Broad (66) ..How apt

@notmitchjohnson: Pattinson gone. We need someone quick. Someone who can(has) score(d) a ton. Left-arm pacer would do.


At the end, when the rain came and the groundsman checked the final padlock, the twitter pratters were also silent.  Only Richie and a sprinkling of the other apostles remained to pump hot air into the ether much like the BBC pumped mindless sentences into occupied Europe during the War such as “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy brown dog,”  the equivalent these days of hurling an acid bath in the general direction of Cricket Australia.  One never knows who is listening.

Being the last man standing or a member of the ‘Invincibles’ Reject Club has a lot to recommend it…

“Unless you want to play…” said The Prof

“Yes, unless you want to play,” I repeated.


Revision: First test in Tweets here.


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