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Nov 7 – Who Ate all the Quinoa?

Today I was busy helping NSW scatch out a lead against the “BushRangers” in Melbourne, watched by 300 old men wearing long socks and terry towling hats. They seemed to have an endless supply of vegemite sandwiches on white bread and a bottomless thermos filled with luke warm water, but they seemed satisfied. Puff and Trapper both bagged tons as we overhauled the total and put on a tidy lead.

A journalist was stupid enough to ask Puff how he thought his run scoring would affect his chances of selection for Brisbane. He said something like “I’m sure when they plug 104 off 87 balls into their performance-based computer simulation selection model, I’ll be looking OK.”  Anyway, I think that’s what he said – he’d just shoved two No-Frills brand muesli bars into his mouth, so it was hard to hear all the syllables through the shower of crumbs and trans-fats.

It was good to sit down with The Freak after stumps and review the day’s play while washing down a few cold party pies left over from tea with an unnamed frothy beverage. Fortunately, fraternizing with your international team mates while playing against them in Stste cricket is not yet prohibited.  It was only then that we heard about the diplomatic row brewing over the England Team’s “dietary requirements” for the upcoming series.

There’s a detailed menu plan for every day of a Test, with detailed requirements for food before play, at lunch, tea, after play and stuff to be available “all day”.  And talk about picky.  The recipe book says “Every item in the ingredients listings is there to aid the performance and recovery of the England Cricket Team.” Goji berries? Really?

Trapper was reading through the menu plan with his feet in an ice bath.  “It’s a shame the ‘Mini mushroom and spinach bhajis’ are only scheduled on Day 5 – they look quite tasty.” He’s quite agile, and managed to duck under the party pie The Freak threw at him.  It splatted on the wall behind him, and as the pastry fell to the floor, the gravy left an interesting pattern on the wall that reminded us of Dennis Lillee’s ‘tache.

“What’s The Boy Root going to eat out of all this fancy pants food?  I don’t see any soft boiled eggs and toast soldiers anywhere here?” The Freak always gets to the heart of the matter.

bakedbeansWarnie didn’t issue demands for someone else to make sure there were baked beans around for lunch every day on his second tour of India – he got about and took his own; rumour has it he even took his own can opener. Now that’s a real Test Cricketer. In England, The Barmy Army thought they were taunting Warnie with their “Who ate all the pies?” chant. He just kept yelling back at them “Me, and don’t you forget it!” before turning on his heels and slipping yet another flipper through the defences of some poor England batsman.

The Aussie crowd will be giving Trotty a serve in Brisbane.  I can hear it now.  “Who ate all the quinoa, Trotty, Who ate all the quinoa?”

Can you imagine the MCC asking the BCCI to ensure there were “Ginger and garlic king prawn kebabs with garlic mayo” in the dressing room 20 minutes before the end of play on Day 1 of a Test in Mohali?

Bloody cheek.  Tell them to sod off.  OR at least send the leftovers our way.  I’ll see what Deep Third can arrange.


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