Wednesday, January 22, 2020
Home » The Ashes Diary 2013 » Dec 24 – The Trouble with Granny

Dec 24 – The Trouble with Granny

The whole town is still abuzz with the aftermath of the unexpected departure of Swanny from the beleaguered England team.

We’ll miss the humour and his rapier wit, but the lefties [Ed. The openers are the only ones to survive the Great Leftie Purge] are all sleeping easier now that they don’t have to worry about his arm ball.

In fact, I’ve been taking calls from lefties who are out of the team all day. They want to know if there’s any chance of getting in the team now that Swanny’s gone. I love to string them along. “Good point,” I say, “hadn’t thought of that.” Then I kick ’em in the teeth with the harsh truth. “You’ve got less chance of playing than I have, and that’s sub-zero while they’re winning.” I usually end the conversation with “Don’t shoot the messenger,” often after they’ve hung up in a huff.

As for Swanny’s granny saying it was all our fault, journalists should really not be harassing 89 year olds for comment. Here’s what’s been quoted:

“There is something gone wrong there and I blame the Australian players. Not all the Australian players, a certain one,” Mina Swann, 89, told The Journal newspaper in Newcastle.
“I do not think they have been (made) very welcome, the team. He is not easily upset, there is something nasty happened.”

Made to feel welcome? Has Granny Swann had to field in front of the Barmy Army lately at four in the afternoon? Feel welcome? Give me a break. And after all five pitches in the last series were tailor made for her little Graeme, she really has nothing to complain about.

The team has responded quite appropriately to this accusation. Mostly. Sarah (from Marketing) was not happy when an effigy of an old lady was burnt by the pool last night. [Ed. Actually, hotel management weren’t too pleased either]. Those responsible had to clean up the ashes from the pool-deck, and write out 100 times “I must not burn effigies of retiring players’ grannies.” Once these had been checked, Sarah threw them in the bin. Ever watchful, The Prof scooped them up later, cut them into single lines and is selling them in lots on ebay.

On the positive side, The Natural took it upon himself to get some t-shirts made up.

tshirt“I’m not nasty, Granny Swann, I’m Nice!” And on the back “And Santa knows it!”

We’ve been wearing them around Melbourne whenever not on official business and therefore not required to wear one of the ten variations of “official attire” that clog up our suitcases.

As for training, there’s no let up – Coch2.0 is pushing the team hard, and everyone seems hungry to press for a 5-0 result to obliterate the memory of the last few series. Wouldn’t it to be great to be part of the team that achieved that amazing turn around?

I guess it would.

All I want for Christmas is a spot in the middle order.

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