Tuesday, September 24, 2019
Home » The Ashes Diary 2013 » Dec 30 – The Morning After

Dec 30 – The Morning After

Ice Pack

I have a headache.
We have headaches.

I don’t know what was in that cocktail last night.
No, it wasn’t beer or anything I’ve tasted before.
I don’t remember.
I don’t remember anything.
I think we won.
Are you sure?

The Age says we did. Read it.
I need my sun glasses. It’s too bright out here. Can you read it for me?
I can’t read anything except the headlines, sorry. My head is a brick.
Mine feels like over balancing. 

Lucky we’re sitting down.
Did we sleep here?
Don’t know. When will the jackhammers stop?
What jackhammer? [Ed. It’s a bloody cement mixer. He must be crazy]

Where are we?
Is that water? We must be at the beach. I can hear waves.
I think we are poolside.
Oh, it’s a pool. I can smell chlorine.
Yeh, sulphur. 

What does it say?
The paper.
Oh, ahh. Wait while I focus. The writing is too big. Here we go. ‘Ashes $weet $ound of $uccess’. It’s about what the XII get. You and I are not covered?!

The Prof said after a pause. We are included in everything.

I continued. $5,000 for every win, $23,334 for the series win [Ed. Why can’t they use round numbers?], $14,000 for turning up, on top of minimum retainers of $235k apart from UnLucky and Trapper who are on $190k and get screwed. 

I’ve evened this up, The Prof said, in the Allocation of Pension Investment Fund units… You and I make an extra $23k per test for winning the prank war, and an undisclosed sum to manage the Players Pension Fund Investments. Whole round numbers. 


The jackhammers are killing me. So is my neck. I must have slept funny?

Any other headlines?
Autopsy on Black Caviar’s half brother after killer hoof disease. Schumacher in coma. Failed to take turn at ski resort.  Binga and PM kiss in Balmoral.
Anything else?
Cook Captaincy in Crisis [Ed. He made that one up] Ha, ha.
KALLIS finishes with big ton.
Lucky he has retired.
Gives us a chance.

Who is that coming? Is that UnLucky? And Wicky?
Uh, huh.
Who is the yellow topped sequoia?
That’s Hollywood.
Oh. And those other things.
Walking sticks. With duck heads and a gold band. Hollywood is using a walker.
And the smiling banana with them?
The Freak. 

Hold on. Someone has brought in a jungle.
Finally some shade.
Bugger. It’s only Tatts’ bowling sleeve with autograph hunters.

Who is that in the lap pool?
The Captain.
And the guy with the barbell?
The Natural, but he is just looking at it, sneering.
I think its Puff’s.

Where is the coffee?
I just need iced water…

I have a headache.

I think the England team and families went to the zoo. They took autographs in the endangered species section. The lions yawned and the meerkats stampeded. 

When will the jackhammers stop?
We’re on a 5 city pub crawl.
Oh, great.  

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