Sunday, April 5, 2020
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Best of Twitter – Day 3 – Fifth Test

The team is celebrating in the sheds. I have found a quiet corner in Plopper’s locker to get the third day’s test in tweets curated. Sure, there were some funny tweets about how we batted away until we were all out in the face of Borthwick’s dollies.  Plopper says he can spin the ball and serve England well, even in the face of imported spinners from the sub-continent. The Prof and I agreed to focus mostly on the England innings and the heartache that inevitably followed the fall of each England wicket. He said this is ‘English wit’ at its best.

@Corpse_in_Pads: It’s getting comical now. This looks like backyard cricket at Mark Nicholas’ house when he’s shitfaced
‏@jhigginsteacher: Ugh.Boyd Rankin is the reason why you don’t bribe farmers with test caps to abandon their country and play for Warwickshire, Ashley
@k_mcc_7: Chris Rogers using his zimmerframe as he comes off for lunch. He’s earnt his bovril. #ashes

@Cricket_Mag: Stokes to Johnson after bowling him “By Jove, your facial attire is quite something” or words to that effect, perhaps #Ashes

@Vitu_E: Someone get Alastair Cook a pint of the strong stuff and a lapdance from some cheesecake

‏@danbrettig: Bell out on the late cut. The final insult. #ashes
@gohardtiggers: Just has that prescience at the crease doesn’t he bud
‏@owenedwards01: Surely we’ve earned some shackles-off, hand-brake released, unadulterated KP in this innings with this dishevelled sleep pattern
@Corpse_in_Pads: KPs screaming at Carberry now: People didn’t come here to watch you get out you moron! They came to watch me bat. Stay there!

‏@aksqprfc: “A bat, a bat, my kingdom for a bat!” #Ashes
@Corpse_in_Pads: KP is batting like a sexual deviant whose just come from confessional and the priest’s told him he’s only allowed to have missionary sex.
@TheCricketGeek: “If it were done ’tis done, then ’twere well it was done quickly” as Shakespeare famously said about an abject England batting effort

@amy_cricket: To the pub, to the pub, to the pub…
@Not_Chappelli: England only require 358 with over two days to spare. That’s less than 2 runs per over. Doable
@Corpse_in_Pads: KPs happy. He’s like a man who’s just been paid a year’s wages for working ten minutes

@CricketPixie: what the hell did they put in the tea? Flight tickets hidden in the cake?
@51allout: England have spent the entire tour elevating the batting collapse into something sublime. They are not cricketers. They are artists
@FreedmanDennis: Carberry’s bat is the only English thing that has had a crack all summer
‏@cricketgreg: Carberry always looks like he’s proposing marriage to the bowler when he ducks a bouncer. on one knee
@17thManDiary: Does Carberry bowl?
@davidgoId: If England aren’t careful, they’re going to lose this #Ashes series.

@bbctms: On a positive note Ben Stokes has become only the 4th player to score 250 runs and take 15 wickets in a debut series‏
@TheCricketGeek: Ben Stokes shouldn’t have to share a dressing room with the other twats sat in there. Only other bloke worthy of a place in it is Broad
@ajarrodkimber: No further reports of @GeorgeDobell1’s words of advice as he has swallowed his own tongue, but is continuing to scream indecipherably.

@Tuxy81: Four wickets in 13 mins since tea. Spineless stuff
@BernardKeane: wickets are falling too sat for Twitter to keep up
@51allout: Thank god for electric scoreboards. If it was one of those old fashioned jobs the attendant would be having a heart attack about now
@Trinijdee: Everytime I close my eyes, England does something to make me open them again
@PatrickStackFOX: Was only getting to one day of test cricket this summer. Now i’ll be seeing none. F you England
@AresMarsFlack: England innings much more Neville Chamberlain than Winston Churchill

@Corpse_in_Pads: England an absolute rabble – worse than a group of Schoolies watching a Year 11 student get a lap-dance from his mum.
@worldofBG: Final call for British Airways flight 0505 to Heathrow ! #Ashes #5-0 #Pomnishambles
@desigiri82: British Airways are having an offer, all those who faced less than 20 balls gets a 50% discount

@shubh_chintak: Broad hits a six but the commentators are talking about who should be the Mam of the Series for Australia. Sums up the series


[@kiwi_kali: Spare a moment of sympathy for Ballance, Borthwick and Rankin. What a trainwreck in which to debut] @rdhinds: This is like watching John Daly hoik three in the water to miss the cut and get an early fligh

‏@desigiri82: British Airway has been delayed by 30, Hurry up Cook sends a note to the team
@hendosofa: Thanks, England, not only have you been beyond shit in all depts., you’ve cost me £200 at least in lost shifts
@TheCricketGeek: I am too pissed off to engage in stats related banter. KP overs ahead of Borthwick sum up his inclusion
@51allout: If Boyd Rankin is Ashton Agar in disguise England might still have a chance here

@SkyCricket: AUSTRALIA WIN THE 2013/14 ASHES SERIES 5-0!! #ashes

@FreedmanDennis: England bowled out in 2 hrs.TWO HOURS!!!!!
@CricCrazyNIKS: Five wickets to Ryan Harris! #Ashes
@GeorgeDobell: So ends the most spineless England Test tour you are ever likely to see
@ECB_cricket: England finish 166 all out. Australia win the 5th #Ashes Test at the @SCG by 281 runs

@AresMarsFlack: This series Johnson has made the English team wee on the wicket in a completely different way
@desigiri82: Now we all know Trot was brilliant #Ashes
@TitusOReily: It was nice of England to travel so far out of their way to drop the Ashes back home

@TheCricketGeek: Rather than reflecting on England’s loss a single man in a hotel tried to meet a woman.

@Corpse_in_Pads: England should be made to donate $50,000 to the McGrathFdn for threatening to ruin Pink Test Day
@MKPS001: It might be best for the future that they move the Jane McGrath Day to Day Two – just in case. #Ashes #PinkTest

Mitch and Ryno shouldered me out of the way at the last and made me insert this capstone:

@Jesse_Hogan: Send them back home in shackles on a steamship. They’ve committed worse crimes – against cricket – than our Australian forebears did

I guess that’s funny on a Great DAY.



Tweets Cover 210 Ashes Tests in Tweets.  Sign up here  to receive news and updates from The 17th Man, and your free download copy when it’s released.









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