Friday, September 22, 2017
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Jan 8 – An Evening of Team Awards

The celebrations continue apace. Presentations at The Opera House and private receptions in the grounds of harbour-side mansions. Everyone wants their photo with us now that we’re winners. When I say “we”, I mean “them” – The Eleven Ashes Heroes.

Long planned was tonight’s End of Tour dinner. At this event, we get to spend one last evening together, reminiscing about the Tour and looking forward to not seeing each other for a while. You know how it is.

I recorded the formal part of proceedings on my phone [Ed. In direct contravention of the team’s security protocols]

 

Batting

The Shimano Tackle Adjustment Award: Trapper, who made only two more adjustments to his equipment during his two centuries than the total balls KP played all series

The “I Didn’t Score a Ton” Award: Mr G, who was the sole nominee from among the Top 7 for this award.

The “Legs Eleven” Award for Meritorious Performance at No. 11: Plopper, who was not only the only player to bat in this position (unlike the revolving door that was the England Tour), but was also not dismissed in the whole series.

The Colgate Batsman’s Award: Wicky, for “the highest Test batting average, and the biggest impact on an Ashes Test series in Australia.”

The Spot the Dog Tail Wagging Award: Wicky, Tatts, The Natural, The Freak and Plopper, for turning every 5 for Not Much into a triumph.

 

Bowling

Most Injured: No award, but an honourable mention to The Natural’s knees.

Most Wickets: Tatts, with a magnificent 37 test scalps. In accepting his award, Tatts refused to confirm the fate of his long-lived Movember facial hair.

The Vegan Venom Award: The Freak, aka BananaMan. While taking the least wickets of the four main bowlers, he’d have come second in the England awards

Most Deceptive Arm Ball: Plopper, who was all over the England lefties like a rash. Hollywood was somewhat offended to be nominated.

 

Fielding

The Golden Glove Award: Wicky, as expected, with 22. Mr G got 10 catches along the way, somehow.

The Ball Magnet Award: The Freak, for not being required to take one catch during the series.

The Easter Island Statue Award: Tatts, for services to staring.

 

General

The College of Orthopaedic Surgeons Award: The Captain, for his generous offer of a broken arm to Jimmy.

The Dame Nellie Melba Comeback Award: Wicky (VC). Made it happen with the gloves, with the bat, and in the dressing room.

The Ginger Ninja Award: In a series marked by The Rise of the Ginger, there could be no other winner than UnLucky, with two tons.

The Selley’s Araldite “Let’s Stick Together” Award: The Eleven, for making it through the series unchanged.

The Oil of Ulan Moisturiser Award: The WACA pitch, for showing all and sundry how unsightly cracks on the surface really are.

The Courier Mail Award for Services to International Sporting Harmony: No Award.

The Coach’s Award: Hollywood, for making it through the series without “significant” injury.

 

Everyone held their little statues tightly [Ed. those who got one, that is], making sure they didn’t fall victim to any pranksters, thieves or ebay entrepreneurs. Along with the other momentos of the Tour, they’ll be “straight to the pool room” when we eventually get home.

 

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