A large envelope arrived at the hotel this morning, just as we were about to scatter around the country to rest, play Second XI games or embarrass ourselves in the BigBash.
Inside was a copy of the much-maligned England Team menu planner. It had been heavily defaced in a familiar black permanent marker – with the names of all the fancy-pants dishes crossed out and overwritten with “chips”, “pork pies”, “black pudding”, “triple meat lover’s pizza” and “chicken tikka marsala.”
On the back, Deep Third had written:
“Thought you might like to see the awards the team handed out last night. It’s the least I could do. Deep Third.”
So here they are.
The Gatting Ball Memorial “Well Left” Award: Jointly to AN Cook and MA Carberry, for failure to attempt to contact a ball heading for the stumps.
The Piers Morgan Courage Under Fire Award: Piers Morgan’s ribs
The “Laugh in the Face of Danger” Award: IR Bell, who just smiled at Tatts no matter what was said.
The Heineken ‘Mike Brearley’ Award: AN Cook for “the least impact in an Ashes Test Series since 1995.” About to be awarded perpetually.
The Ernest Hemmingway “For Whom The Bell Tolls” Award: IR Bell. It tolled for him.
The Julius Caesar “Centurion” Award: The England Team, for being dismissed 100 times for the first time in a series.
The Too Little Too Late Award. SCJ Broad for his send off of Puff after he’d scored 124.
The “Come In Spinner” Award: AN Cook, for his judicious use of spinners not called GP Swann.
Most Deceptive Arm Ball: JE Root, “Full toss balls STILL don’t spin.”
The “Bowling Ineffectively from a Great Height” Award: Joint winners WB Rankin, S Finn and CT Tremlett
Swingers Club Reverse Swing Award: Previously automatically awarded to JM Anderson, this award was controversially withheld.
The L’Oreal Soft Hands Award: MA Carberry, for dropping the Ashes at gully early on.
The Nancy Sinatra Award: SCJ Broad’s Moon Boot.
The Nigella Lawson “I’ve been eating a lot of chocolate” Award: AN Cook. Hard times all round.
The Gina Rinehart Award for Family Harmony: GP Swann, for bowing out gracefully and not airing any dirty laundry.
The Ellen Degeneres Look Alike Award: JE Root, hands down
The Ginger Ninja Award: BA Stokes, clearly eclipsing a growing number of contenders.
The Captain’s Coach Award: Andy Flower, for another fine Ashes series [Ed. Who can rid me of this troublesome priest?]
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