The Prof and I, the 17th Man, contemplated the madness of cricket yesterday over a few Castle beers at the local Potchefstroom pub we’ve adopted as our base camp. We gathered from the 17th Man’s twitter timeline, the best references we could find to KP during the 10 Ashes Tests that started at Trent Bridge in July 2013 and ended in Sydney at the SCG in January 2014. In his own understated manner, this was enough time for KP to fall from Victor to villain; the same time it took for our own genius Puff to rise from villain to Victor.
“Ridding the team of a run scoring firebrand and essayist like KP is a typically English response,” The Prof mentioned “…rather like General Gordon’s defence of Khartoum against the Mahdi in 1885.” I wasn’t sure I fully appreciated his reference and said nothing.
The English have never tolerated anything other than a Schoolmaster-pupil relationship between Government and Generals let alone Coach and team – a good 22 yards away from our own burly Coach2.0’s approach: “It’s all about fun and winning, stupid!” Neither paternalism nor prescription has a role: and neither pass for a good game plan, sledging pattern or post-win party.
Anyway, a taste of what we found is below, Test by Test. I have added a few scorelines just to give context and remind us all of what a whitewash is, and how many more England may suffer before they #RISE from their Ashes.
FIRST TEST – Trent Bridge, July 2013
KP unsighted in the twitter cross hairs (as far as we could sensibly identify)
SECOND TEST – LORDS, July 2013
Day 3 – England 361 & 5/333. Australia 128
@richiebenaud_: Pietersen in doubt for the 3rd Test due to injury. England’s batting will get even stronger
Day 5 – England 361 & 7/349 dec. Australia 128 & 237
@RichieBenaud_Updated ICC test bat rankings: M Clarke (5th), D Warner (38th), E Cowan (43rd), S Watson (44th), P Hughes (49th). Still no-one can make it to 50. England, Cook (7), Bell (=11), Trott (=11),Pietersen (16), Prior (17), Root (26), Bairstow (53), Broad (66) ..How apt
THIRD TEST – Old Trafford
Day 2 – Australia 7/527 dec. England 2/52
@Corpse_in_Pads: News from England’s Hotel: The cleaner has asked management whether to wash KPs underpants or send them to Scotland Yard Forensics
Day 3 – Australia 7/527 dec. England 7/294
@crk5: My goodness, Kevin Pietersen’s nipples are quite pointy. Must be a bit chilly out there at Old Trafford! #Ashes
FOURTH TEST – Durham, August 2013
Day 1 – England 9/238
@zaltzcricket: Trott & KP: 75-2 off 95. Rest of top 9: 110-6 off 408
FIFTH TEST – The OVAL, August 2013
Day 2 – Australia 4/497 dec. England 0/30
@TimPeachBBC: From a friend in the stands at the Oval: “Kevin Pietersen has just told some fans to ‘sit down and shut up’”
Day 3- Australia 4/497 dec. England 4/247
@rdhinds: Steve Smith bowling a maiden to Pietersen. That’s enough for me. I’ve seen it all. #Ashes
@NHoultCricket: KP v Clarke. Battle of the metrosexuals
@GraceCricket: KP has faced 8 balls without dashing a frantic single. As I’ve said before this match has everything…
@ZaltzCricket: KP out for 50 off 133. Woakes plays a dreamy cover drive for 4 off his first ball. On course for a 25-ball 100. Lets next ball go. Boring
Day 5 – Australia 4/497 dec. & 6/116 dec. England 377 & 5/206 (30 behind when bad light turned on England)
@AresMarsFlack: Warnie interviewing KP during the lunch break: “You’re amazing.” “Correct.” “I am too.” #Ashes
@AltCricket: You get the sense that Kevin Pietersen has probably had wet dreams about this sort of situation. #Ashes
@jimmaxcricket: KP seems unstoppable. Bold declaration from Clarke coming unstuck. Interest in umpires light adjudication. Crowd in for the kill
FIRST TEST – GABBA, November 2013
Day 4 – Australia 295 and 7/401 dec. def. England 136 & 179, by 381 runs
It started being all about KP’s nipples and went downhill – and uphill – from there
@GeekAndWilde: KP is just 197 runs away from going joint 2nd on the list of English players with the most double centuries in Tests
@TheCricketGeek: World class nipples from KP today. Obviously not in the Tim Bresnan class but right up with the best of them
@em_john: “Those nipples could cut glass”, says @therebeccakay after one look at KP #ashes
@SlatePaul: If brains were dynamite half of our players wouldn’t have enough to blow their nose ffs KP#ashes
SECOND TEST – Adelaide Oval December, December 2013
Day 4 – Australia 9/570d and 3/132 d, England 172 and 6/247
@tickerscricket: When KP gets caught midwicket again I think Twitter might actually pop
@ajarrodkimber: Unless there is a genetic mutation that has 10 slow left arm orthodox bowlers into one, no one works KP over better than Siddle
@pavilionopinion: STAT: Peter Siddle has now got Pietersen out more often than hubris
@Liebcricket: Peter ‘Bananas’ Siddle bananas a banana ball into KB’s stump, bananaing him for a well-bananaed fifty-banana
THIRD TEST – WACA, December 2013
Day 2 – Australia 385, England 4/180
@tickerscricket: Anyway, this DRS controversy is distracting us from the real issue, i.e. the utter rubbishness of KP’s new bat stickers
@TheCricketGeek: I love you Kevin, why do you hurt me so?
@nickripp: Out 10 times to the ginger vegan. You must be so proud KP #attitudestinks #Ashes
Day 4 – Australia 385 & 6/369, England 251 and 5/251
@17thmandiary: 45 is an innings that ends like toilet paper when you need it most. Score 100 first like Watto, then get out
@GregBaum: England should give KP 1000 lashes. And get Ben Stokes to do it. He hits ‘em pretty damn well
@logiemuir: I could dislike Kevin Pieterson if he was actually a pom
@Corpse_in_Pads: KP – sick of playing cricket for a living – contemplates how to get out and make his dismissal go viral on YouTube
@Crickwizz: Bell-Stokes add 99. Between 55 English wickets yet, there has been but one century partnership; Root-KP at Adelaide
FOURTH TEST – MCG, December 2013
Day 1 – England 6/226
@warwicktodd_not: KP didn’t understand Root because Root wasn’t speaking Afrikaans
@tickerscricket: The people of Melbourne flooding through the gates as news spreads that KP and Bell are blocking the absolute shit out of it
@tickerscricket: It’s all right Kev, just swallow a spider and you’ll be fine
@ajarrodkimber: PLEASE, PLEASE CHANNEL 9, HOTSPOT THE VOMIT
@NHoultCricket: KP swallowed a fly which I believe was not on the ECB dietary sheet, but I may be wrong
@piersmorgan: ‘Chomp it, move on’ – unsympathetic Aussie fan behind me gives his reaction to news @KP24 swallowed a fly
@NHoultCricket: I was joking about the fly. If KP did swallow a fly, I don’t know why
@warwicktodd_not: They should’ve just bowled an extra over and let Mitch go around to the other end and bowl at KP
Day 2 – England 255, Australia 9/164
@Corpse_in_Pads: And people criticize KP for playing shots? What’s the point of hanging around for a 19 ball duck?
@tickerscricket: KP and Panesar sticking to the sound theory that if you’re going to get out, it might as well be funny
Day 3 – England 255 and 179, Australia 204 and 0/30
@LouiseSealey: Cook 15 from 9. See KP, you can play positively without playing a slog that has less chance of coming off than the mayo on my Xmas jumper
@Corpse_in_Pads: KP – batting with the discipline of a child in a reform school plotting his escape route – considers a Piers Morganeque type shot!
@NotMitchJohnson: ”KP proved he is selfish by not joining his mates in the mega collapse”
@Corpse_in_Pads: Shane Warne “I don’t think the convo between KP & Warner will be too clever.” The only expert comment he’s ever made
@LiebCricket: Will KP be swallowing any Australian lifeforms this innings? And, if so, which?
@susher99: KP to Mitch I know how to pull – Mitch reply get your head back inside your backside #ouch
@YeahNahMaybe: KP wants those 15,000 people moved
FIFTH TEST – Sydney January 2014
Day 2 – Australia 326 and 4/140, England 155-
@piersmorgan: Right @KP24 – I’ve had enough of this garbage. Smack @MitchJohnson398 until his moustache falls off
Day 3 – Australia 326 and 276, defeated England 155 and 176 by 281 runs
@owenedwards01: Surely we’ve earned some shackles-off, hand-brake released, unadulterated KP in this innings with this disheveled sleep pattern
@Corpse_in_Pads: KPs screaming at Carberry now: People didn’t come here to watch you get out you moron! They came to watch me bat. Stay there!
@aksqprfc: “A bat, a bat, my kingdom for a bat!” #Ashes
@Corpse_in_Pads: KP is batting like a sexual deviant whose just come from confessional and the priest’s told him he’s only allowed to have missionary sex
@TheCricketGeek: “If it were done ’tis done, then ’twere well it was done quickly” as Shakespeare famously said about an abject England batting effort
@Not_Chappelli: England only require 358 with over two days to spare. That’s less than 2 runs per over. Doable
@Corpse_in_Pads: KP’s happy. He’s like a man who’s just been paid a year’s wages for working ten minutes
@amy_cricket: To the pub, to the pub, to the pub…
@TheCricketGeek: I am too pissed off to engage in stats related banter. KP overs ahead of Borthwick sum up his inclusion
On KP’s ‘retirement’…
@legsidelizzy: Wouldn’t it be great if the ECB press release just said “Ha. Got ya. Only joking Kev”
@AltCricket: 2012: “We need to reintegrate Kevin Pietersen.” 2014: “We need to disintegrate Kevin Pietersen.”
@petebryant76: @ajarrodkimber is reunintergrated a word?
@cricketingview: England have discarded KP. I bet they’ll keep the menu managers and the guys who parrot BS about “positive attitude”
@legsidelizzy: Honestly, do they think we came down in the last shower?
@GaryLineker: The only legitimate cause I can think of for @KP24 sacking is that he is supported by @piersmorgan
@TheCricketGeek: KP is going to get even more money than Glenn Maxwell in the IPL auction. He has made it
@JonT4: There was clearly some kind of issue during the #ashes within the team and the public now needs to know. #KPsacked
@bhogleharsha: If everyone kept sacking players because they were difficult to manage you would get docile yes men. is that the team…
@FreedmanDennis: [Jan 19] England couldn’t beat an egg at the moment [Ed. and they still can’t]
The 17th Man will leave a brief word – for there shall be many more – to Daniel Storey
@danielstorey85: Well done @ECB_cricket, you’ve made me agree with Piers Morgan. That’s a hell of a f*cking achievement
…and Kevin Pietersen himself
@KP24·Jan 6 Very disappointed to lose 5-0, and not to score more runs personally. Tough tour against a top class team. #Ashes
@KP24·Jan 6 I want to thank all the England fans for their terrific support. And I’m determined to help regain the Ashes in 2015
KP24·Jan 7 1/2 – I am shocked and saddened by reports in the media today concerning my future with England…
@KP24·Jan 7 2/2 – I wish to repeat my strong desire to continue playing for my country, and to help us regain the Ashes in 2015
@KP24·Jan 7 @newman_cricket ‘disciplinary action has been considered but held back until after final Test..’ COMPLETE AND UTTER LIES!
@KP24·Jan 7 @newman_cricket ‘there has been anger at Pietersen’s attitude to warm-up games..’ MORE LIES!!
General Gordon might have felt he was hard done by as well!
PS The Prof was keen to remind you about our latest books. Get yours now!
The whole story behind the return Ashes series and Australia’s 5- nil win.
Laugh your way through the triumph and the pain – depending on who you support.
The 17th Man’s ever popular and hilarious Best of Twitter for every day of the 10 tests of the double Ashes series, collected together in one place.
Did you make the cut?