We’ve been sitting around here in the rain for days. Net sessions and “intra-squad” matches just don’t cut it as far as getting ready for a Test match is concerned.
Anyway, I though it was time to review the squad that’s been lugged out to South Africa ready for the next big examination of the Team’s progress back to Number 1
Puff (Opener): Short and powerfully built backwoodsman. A big six man. Loves a joke. Quick. Dives for everything. Hands bigger than Wicky’s gloves. Tweeter. Theme song: The Power and the Passion – Midnight Oil.
Unlucky (Opener): A man with a list of first class batting achievements as long as his test career is short, although the series in Australia has started to correct that. The oldest player in the touring party, he has teenage children and a Walkman. Theme song: The Oldest Story in the Book – Paul Kelly.
Lucky (No3): Lefty. Unstoppable when in form, back in the side to cover someone’s back. Straight shooter. Desperate to prove a point. Theme song: Walking on Sunshine – Katrina and the Waves.
Hollywood (No 3): Tall, well built surfer class all-rounder batsman. Takes time alone to reflect, relax, renew – especially while injured. A true cricket brain. Theme song: An Innocent Man – Billy Joel.
The Captain (No 4): The consummate cricket professional. Leads from the front “power of one”, Type-A. Loves winning Tests. Footwork like a dancer. Tweeter. Theme song: World Leader Pretend – REM
Apples (Batter) New boy picked to take over from Mr G, although has plenty of experience. Solid, on everyone’s list of Players to Watch. Theme Song: Back Down South – Kings of Leon.
Junior (Batter) Has had a few goes in the team in all forms of the game without ever nailing it. Oozing with unfulfilled potential. No pressure, but this could be his last chance at Test Level. Theme Song: Go West! – Village People
Wicky (Wicketkeeper) (Vice Captain) : Dependable and supreme performer in recent Ashes series with gloves and bat. Communal spitter due to larynx injury removing a stump in U13 20/20 final. Loves sledging. Learning to tweet. Theme song: Almost With You – The Church
The Natural (Quick) A solidly built mountain of a man from the backblocks who loves flinging the ball down hour after hour at pace. Prone to conspiracy theories, broad smiles and injury. Theme song: Supernatural Superserious – REM
The Freak (Quick): Reliable ‘Go To’ man when behind the eight ball. Takes the mickey. Innovator. Drawer, pastel painter. Easily bored. Theme song: SuperFreak (Rick James)
Plopper (No1 Spinner): Test regular. Only ever wanted to bowl for Australia. Slept with a ball since he was six. Will play even if not selected. Theme song: Straight to my Heart – Sting
The Reject Club
Rocket Man (Quick): Young clean tearaway with occasional reverse swing. Huge wraps. Heavy mortgage on his future. Guitar player, dancer and Boy band lover. Tweeter. Theme song: What Makes you Beautiful – One Direction
Prof (Batsman, occasional keeper): The curly-haired bespectacled brains of the team. Triple maths major. Soothsayer and satirist. Loathes curry but loves India. Thinks only birds tweet. Theme song: Money – The Flying Lizards