It is rare for a test to get to the last 6 overs on day 5. This Test had it all – Smith announcing his retirement on day 3, a dead pitch, 1200 runs, batting collapses, wolf howling, stupid sledging, the DRS ‘thumb of God’, shattered bowlers, badged batsmen, a buggered knee and more DOT BALLS than anyone thought possible, not to mention the best cameramen spotting the best bikini spectators in the world against the postcard backdrop of Table Mountain.
I watched it all from the dressing-room. To pass the time, I curated the strong of tweets I found in the #SAvAUS hashtag to produce The Third Test in Tweets. I have tried to cover as many different handles as possible. It is damn fine work.
I split the Test into two: a main course and dessert. Part 1 covers days 1-3. Part 2 covers days 4-5.
@FakeShaneWatson: The people have spoken, I’m back
@GhostOfPJK Mar 1: Michael Holding “I played 7 years for Darbyshire and went to the nets once”…. Weed can effect your motivation levels….
@LyricalSmokey: Delicious cover drive by Rogers, the type of cover drive that James Brayshaw would have ejaculated had it been played by Brad Hodge
@LiebCricket: The viewers will be pleased to have seen off that opening spell from Mark Nicholas
@17thManDiary: Reverse swing wandering the ground like a smelly gypsy. Nothing happening except Warner’s brilliance
@ajarrodkimber: Doolan’s the guy who never wanted the lights turned off at the first boy girl party
@Bob2u: Looks like Steyn has the ball reverse swinging early on, some one check De Villiers’s gloves
@NotPistolPaul: Sth African Cameramen rejoice at the injection of Doolan to the crease, they now have at least 5 balls to chick watch
@shauntheprawn26: The 3 week old half bottle of Sprite Zero in my fridge has nothing on this pitch
@nithdu: Doolan & Warner are looking as set as a concrete slab ..
@FakeShaneWatson: South Africa gave the groundsman strict instructions to make the pitch a Mitch-killer and hope for reverse. Only got it half right so far
@FreedmanDennis: Doolan is just another Ed Cowan”
@garethisatwit: Temper tantrum in #Proteas dressing room at lunch as it emerges that JP Duminy’s mom forgot to pack NikNaks in his lunch for him
@garethisatwit: Aus 118/1 at lunch. They’ve earned their fishpaste sandwiches; SA will be punished with salt & vinegar chips (no drinks allowed)
@AshesCaptCook: I think SA need to get their morals in order before they try to play cricket. A Philanderer is bowling now!
@eddytorr: Abbott looks like a mad monk with those eyes or maybe more like Damian!
@17thManDiary: Whilst Doolan has slow sex with the ball, Warner’s going hard with the whip in the upstairs bedroom scoring at will
@SERG1O_D: Kyle Abbott is the fastest 130 km/h bowler in the world. Wish Vic Police used this radar
@17thManDiary: Clarke doing a Doolan, waiting out Steyn like a fox camped outside a chicken coop. Warner digging underneath the wire to get some action
@eld2_0: Did Mrs Morkel do a report for Australian audiences on why her husband tried to bash the shit out of Michael Clarke?
@17thmandiary: Nicholas taking pleasure in a back room as Pup gets his 27th TON. Oh boy, oh boy what a beauty!!
@InnoBystander: Piggy hitting into the breeze, obviously not worried about those trade winds…
@ahleach: I’ve been busting for 20 minutes but can’t leave the lounge room
@LiebCricket: As much as I’m enjoying this batting performance from Australia, I have to admit the 47 was a LOT funnier
@benpobjie: Elgar accurate, but lacking any enigma variations
@RealRaxa: Boy! This Cape Town pitch looks as flat as Pakistan’s economy
@nicsturdee: So when will Newlands be accepting CV’s for the job of head groundsman?
@vetenari: Dean Elgar -giving hope to 4th rate bowlers everywhere
@LiebCricket: Morne Morkel bowling perhaps the most highly praised none-fer in Test history
@AresMarsFlack: Steve Smith’s run score may be 80, but he has a double century on the fidget-nut-o-meter
@bowlologist if Steve Smith keeps hitting lofted drives like this they will start appearing in coaching manuals. Absolutely flawless
@BoltsClint: At what stage will Morkel actually try to dismiss Clarke?
@JGNorton82: Shame Piggy Smith couldn’t join Pup Clarke and Warthog Warner in completing a zoological triumvirate of tons
@SarcasmCricket: Watson turns to Clarke and, “How many reviews we’ve got, mate?”
@tauerbach: That’s the closest a ball has come to a thigh since last night’s parade
@supergrover4: It seems Twatto is now outsourcing reviews… all the jobs are going offshore these days
@rohan_connolly: Sometimes think Watto needs the Benny Hill theme music accompanying his batting!
@mickeytgh: This pitch is as docile as Watson. Just wondering how long it will take before the pitch reviews whether he should be batting on it
@17thManDiary: Watson gives Clarke the confidence to bomb the attack back to the rift valley neolithic age, when cricket was just a good stoning
@FirdoseM: Lunch time. Australia on a familiar score. 434 for 4. Just one wicket for SA in that session
@nithdu: Newlands is windier than a baked beans factory lunch room
@iamshaunbailey: Is it just me or does that boundary rope look like a shitload of Toblerones laid end to end?
@supergrover4: The only thing we will declare is a hand carved chess board from Bali
@NotBradHaddin: It disgusts Moi that once again Moi has to walk to the centre in the middle of a crisis
@AcombSW: Quote of the day: “It’s blowing so hard, I don’t think the rain will even hit the ground.” #CapeTownWeather
@FreedmanDennis: Australia have declared
@warwicktodd_not: Now Smith knows how it feels to be Alastair Cook
@FreedmanDennis: Haddtastic (catch)
@TheCricketGeek: I don’t understand. The ball is reversing and AB de Villiers hasn’t touched it once
@followthebounce: That’s lunch on day 3, SA 127/4, time now to see who the big winners were last night at the 2014 Cricket Oscars:…
@sbaird80: Hot dog shortage at Newlands after Graeme Smith’s lunch break
@17thManDiary: Cecil Rhodes climbing down from Devil’s Peak to check Ryno’s back pockets for reverse swinging mints. Ryno wants a scholarship
@Mabutie: Proteas has 2 teams, the one that in PTA and the one that played in PE. On this test match they’re using the one that played in PTA
@Davis_Harr: Haddin’s 4th catch! SA 6/146 & Australia have a firecracker up their backside. Brilliant bowling outsmarts Duminy
@melindafarrell: I’ve been trying to keep a lid on it but I am allowing myself a slight flutter of excitement. #sixdown
@17thManDiary: The wind changes and the ball moves. The cameraman changes and the women move. Something about Newlands
@BradWay2: There is a rare white Rhino on the loose in Cape Town and he is on the charge
@Clarkey_73: Harris has it on a string…Swinging it both ways like tape on a tennis ball!
@17thmandiary: Pistorius legal team could not defend SA. AUS working the ball faster than Pistorius lawyers are working the media
@MattiusBackius: Can we say yet that the South Africans have been poached by Rhino?
@PGBBEME: Is it just me, or has Faf been in since the last Beatles tour?
@TheFrenchCut: Faf glances to fine leg with applause. There hasn’t been this much excitement over a single since Jennifer Aniston got divorced
@CricketAus: “That ball that got Amla was a ‘Steyn’ ball” – @MitchJohnson398 on @r_harris413’s dismissal of @amlahash #SAvAUS
@FOXCricketLive: Seems Warner doesn’t like it when the South Africans touch the ball even when they’re batting