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Feb 27 – What the sheep will tell you

Training finished early this afternoon. There is only so much net practice can do to replace the lack of game time. We have not had a game for two weeks, yet have had to watch the minnows fling teddy bears at each other. This is as good as it gets during the week.

We play New Zealand in Auckland tomorrow, finally, on a rugby pitch at Eden Park that is more misshaped than a bloated aubergine. A few days ago Dave Warner’s brain exploded in his big mouth like popping candy in a crude attempt to unhinge BB McCullum from his bruising run of form. The Captain, who is as loyal to Puff as Tony Abbott is to Joe Hockey, was at first very supportive until he realised that this form of naked public ambition was shameful – “It would have worked if it had come off but it didn’t” was what he said.

No one else is saying anything. No one really knows how good the Black Caps are; we haven’t played them for years. In the absence of any reliable form guide – undressing England does not count – we anchored on the typical characterisation of our trans-tasman brothers as 100% pure Scottish presbyterian sheep shaggers, as close a synonym for ‘South Sea Poms’ as you can get. It therefore came as no surprise to discover that London Mayor Boris Johnson is recruiting New Zealanders to work as paramedics. Good luck to him. Most NZ farmer’s know how to dock lamb’s tails. Emigration will raise the average IQ in both places. It does the same for Australia.

With nothing better to do, the bowlers and batsmen split into groups to scour the web for the best sheep jokes as part of our game plan to upset the farmers in the stands tomorrow. The Prof and I curated the top SUX (maybe SEVUN) in the pub after dinner. We cannot vouch for copyright. We don’t know where they came from although plenty of Kiwi dollars were changing hands with the locals. The boys used a language translator they found on the web to help out.

In New Zealand schools spelling is easy. E as in “Eh, bro'” and Ewe as in “Ewe, bro'” overshadow the minor vowels eigh, eye, and owe.

Q: Whet’s the deffrunce between uh shup end uh Ford Explurer?
A: It’s a wee but less emberresseng being seen getting out of the beck of e shup

Sheep 1 – Ewe know whet?
Sheep 2 – Whet bro’?
Sheep 1: Jest the smell of munt sauce terns my stumech

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
Sheep 1: Queck! Greb a perechut end jump!
Sheep 2: Whet abut the shup bro’?!?
Sheep 1: F.k thuh shup!
Sheep 2: (pause) Eh? Do yuh thenk we heve time?

What do ewe call safe sux in Awestralia?
Marking an ‘EX’ on thuh shup that keck bro’

Two Kiwis are riding horses along the fence line of their property and find a sheep with it’s head stuck in the fence. One bloke jumps off his horse and, as most Kiwis would, has his way with the sheep. When he finished he said to his mate: “Right, your turn!” His mate jumped off his horse and stuck his head in the fence.

Why does New Zealand have some of the fastest race horses in the world?
Because the horses have seen what they do with their shup.

This one is my favourite. One of the black haired mild mannered pace bowlers supplied it. He thought it should be in a book of Naughty Nursery Rhymes for betsmun.

Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep,
She went to sleep.
The sheep turned out,
To be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!

The Prof liked this last one. He has a family connection to the Land of the Long White Cloud.

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi:
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk….I think.”
Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool”
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: “Yep”
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Kiwi: (in a panic) ” Don’t believe a word he says, that sheep’s a bloody liar..”

This squares it all away nicely until tomorrow.

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