Tuesday, March 31, 2020
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Aug 26 – Memorabilia, anyone?

Everyone in the camp is still a little forlorn now that the series is over. Despite our big win at the rather pretentious and self-satisfied venue that is The Oval (which is no better than any other oval I’ve played at), the series is lost. At least this three year Ashes feast is over and we can get back to only playing these guys every two years. [Ed. But that means fewer of your diary books to sell, 17th, so you’d better work on some other sources of income.]

a15 bats batsNo one is more distressed than Sarah (Head of Marketing). After the mammoth memorabilia signing sessions in July (read about that here), apparently there is something of a stockpile of unsold gear, signed by a bunch of losers, that represents “an opportunity for cost recovery.”

We were sitting around in a Belfast pub mulling over Sarah’s predicament.
“Can we keep them for selling in future?” I suggested.
“No chance. ¬†Too many of the players won’t be playing in future,” said The Prof.
“Can we hold them until we’re all retired, then sell them as an ‘Ashes Memories’ set?”
“‘Ashes Nightmares’ more like. In any case, we’ll be holding onto the stock for a long time – you won’t be prizing the captaincy out of Trapper Smith’s hands any time soon.”
“True enough. My guess is that the Devereux Dynasty has ten years in it.”

We each took deep mouthfuls of the local brew.
“What are the bats themselves worth?” said The Prof eagerly.
“Not much.”
“What if we cleaned them up and put someone else’s signature on them?”
“A forgery?”
“Forgery, Produced under Licence, what’s the difference? I think we’d better move them out of the country.”
“Whose signature? AB? Sachin? Sanga?”
“Yes. And Root, McCullum, Gayle. No point in flooding any one market. I’ll get examples of the signatures, you get someone to clean the bats and buy some sharpies.”
Why do I always get the easy jobs?

Oh, we’re playing Ireland in an ODI tomorrow. There are lots of changes to the team – Third Degree Burns (who many think should have been batting at No 3 through the Ashes Tests) comes in, as does The Kid for his first ODI outing. Regulars pyjama wearers Mr G and The Big Show are in to boost the middle order, as is the re-heated pile of left-overs that is Hollywood Watson. [Ed. That’s a bit harsh. His pec’s don’t look left over to me.]

Let’s see if the lads get a bit of momentum up for the series against England.


Ashes Bos Set paper spine large



Speaking of flogging stuff, don’t miss The 17th Man’s Big Ashes Box – his first two Ashes diaries and Ten Tests in Tweets. Available now from amazon in ebook.


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